snow

Goodbye.

Alex, it’s like this.

I left home.

I walked into the woods and I just kept walking. I heard Dave’s voice calling my name, just like he did at graduation. I heard my mother saying goodbye. And I heard my father behind me, swearing and yelling.

I fell in a clearing and hit my head. When I looked up, it was standing in front of me. Standing taller than the trees, with a thousand outstretched arms. And then it reached out, delicately, and slid one long finger into my forehead. It hurt like nothing you can imagine, like a fucking nuclear bomb went off in my head.

And then I was somewhere else.

I don’t remember the camera much. I know I must have used it, but it doesn’t feel like I did. More like I was watching someone else do it. In hindsight, I think I had lost control of my body. I think it was using me like a fucking puppet. I think it’s been using me for years.

It used to scare me, losing control. Now I can’t wait to lose myself for good. I want to fall into the water’s cold embrace and never come back to the surface.

I’ve been looking for God, Alex. And that’s what I did on my journey. I looked for God among the lakes and the statues and the Joshua trees. All I found was that fucking abomination.

They tried to help me. My father followed me as closely as he could, and it even let him come close a couple of times. But it was just toying with him. In the end it took him, just like it’s taken William. George tried to stop it, tried to tear at the arms, but he was just one cat. What could he do?

I miss George sometimes more than I miss any of them. I just want to be able to hold my fucking cat again, man.

Sorry, I need to finish this.

In the end, it brought us back. Me, and the monster wearing my father’s skin. And then it left me there, alone. As it drew back into the forest I swear to God I heard it laughing.

I dealt with the beatings okay. I kept telling all the lies he wanted me to tell. Once I got out of the house when he was sleeping and ran down the street, but I just kept coming back to our front door no matter what. Like a fucking magnet.

He burned my Bible and threatened to kill me the one time he caught me praying. He wanted me to think he was Satan, I think. He wasn’t. Once I realized that, things got a lot easier. It wasn’t hard to figure out what to do.

I took a hammer from the garage and bashed his fucking skull in.

I’m leaving tonight, if I can. I’ve seen William at the edge of the forest, smoking his cigarettes and smiling. I’m going to go to him. Maybe he can take care of me, like he used to. Or maybe he can kill me. Either would be nice.

I’m sorry about all the lies, Alex. You’re the best friend I ever had and you fucking deserved better. Delete this blog. Move out of state, take Rachel with you. Forget the names of the dead and forget Lamb’s Grove. It’s the best thing you can do.

Oh, I almost forgot. I left your camera in a safe place. I was going to smash it, but it’s yours. Sorry about stealing it.

10/2

i guess there are two new videos on johns youtube channel?? just noticed them today, i figured he was done with videos. it looks like he made them with his laptop which is kind of annoying considering he still fucking has my camera, he could at least use it

anyway theyre kind of weird. for one thing thats not johns house, but those are definitely johns hands because who the fuck else wears a goddam rosary on his wrist.

also the music. john hates punk. not in a "oh the ramones are overrated" kind of way, in a "due to past trauma i cannot listen to the descendants without crying myself to sleep" kind of way. and the fact that it was the descendants is weird for other reasons i dont feel like getting into.

this also confirms that john does in fact have a working phone and has been ignoring me and rachel for whatever reason. fucker