Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Life has been so fucking weird the past few days.

Doctor told me and my dad it looked like one of my molars had been taken out with a pair of plyers.

We never found the tooth.

In case you're wondering, my mouth hurts like a bitch. I've been borderline delirious from Percocet. I'm getting fitted for an implant or something later this week, for now I'm just chewing out of the right side of my mouth.

My dad got mad when I kept insisting I didn't know how it happened. I still have no memory of that nine minutes.

I was forced to take a week off of work and start therapy again. Now that school's out for seniors, the only things I have to do are go to graduation rehearsal and therapy. Sid's invited me over for hookah the other day, but I turned him down for reasons that should be apparent.

I don't mind talking to John. John is my therapist's name. He's relaxingly normal. After I told him about what happened at work, he suggested we try to do some kind of repressed memory thing, but I told him I wasn't ready for that. He asked me a lot about dreams and stuff, but I don't remember my dreams that often.

He said that it was important to try, but that he wouldn't rush me because of the state I was in.

What state? Yeah, it hurts, but I'm fine, like, emotionally. I can't be shocked by violence I don't remember happening, can I? People are acting like I'm crazy or something.

I'm just confused. And kind of stoned off these meds.

Anyway, me and John talked a lot, went over the alloted hour again. A lot about my dad and stuff, and how I like my job. Not so much about the time loss, for some reason.

I'm not really allowed out, or in the mood.

I've been bored. Watching crappy free porno vids. Not even really excited by them, just out of vague curiosity. I look at how the shots were set up, the composition, the aesthetic values. Porno has more aesthetic values than most people recognize. I know that's weird to say, but it's true.

One site I was watching videos on was all fucked up. I can't remember the url. The videos seemed normal at first, but they started skipping and the audio sounded like Godzilla was trapped in a porn studio or something. Just, really really fucked. That's the only word I can think of. The video was all distorted, it'd go from grainy to vivid to static and back again.

It gave me a goddamn headache. The noise and sight of it.

Like I said, it's hard to remember it exactly. Probably 'cause of the percs.

I was allowed out for graduation rehearsal. It was nice to see some people, but I felt uncomfortable in the crowd. I kept jumping when people said something to me.

I'm just frustrated, I guess. Think I'm just going to stop taking these pills. I feel like I'm in a goddamn fog, stumbling and grasping.

And people wonder why I don't do drugs.

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